Want to write, I do...

I want to write.  I have ideas and stories in my head.  I read stories to my family daily and enjoy using different voices and acting up a bit.  Why can't I get what is in my head down on to paper, or the screen so that it becomes something I could read a story a few at a time or a little at a time.  I never seem to get much past the first page or sometimes a few paragraphs.  I seem to have a perpetual writers block that only allows me so far before it shuts me down and I move onto something else or even a different story.  How can writing be so difficult for me.  What is it that is inside of me that keeps wanting to come out but does not seem to come out and flow like it should or at the very least like I want it to?

Aarrrggghhhh!  I feel so lost and floating sometimes.  Other times I feel just here.  I am alive, happy and content for the most part.  But, sometimes I feel contempt in my situation and in where I end up with something I enjoy doing.  Although it does not bring much enjoyment if I can not continue with it.   It is so frustrating at times.

Lost, Fallen

Are you there?  I hope so.  I am lost and can't find my way.  I seem to have strayed from the path you set.  The one I was originally following.

I am here.
Good.  Can you help me?
Sure.
I fell.
I know.
I want to get up and continue on.
I know.
Can you help me?
Yes.  Get up, be healed.  Move on.  I am with you.
That is all I need?
Yes.
Thank you.

I fell today.  I tripped yesterday and it lead to a fall today.  I have since gotten back up and am continuing on with my life.  It is sometimes not easy.  I want to stay upright, but sometimes I just can't.  I want to keep moving, but sometimes I just stumble.

Will you always be here when I fall?
Yes, I carry you then.
Thank you.
I am always right here with you even if I seem far away, I am always just a call away, just reach out and touch me, call my name and I will answer.  I am always right here beside you.
Thank you.

There are some days where I seem to fall more often.
Yes, you do.
Why is that?  What makes yesterday or today different from tomorrow or two days ago, or last week.  I wish I understood.  I want to see trouble coming so I can avoid it.
I know.  But then you would never learn.  You would be constantly avoiding situations and events that you can learn from.  It would lead to a pointless life.  You will see them coming sometimes and many times you do see trouble coming.  It is a matter of making the choice to avoid it or to allow it.  You can tackle this problem, with my help you can succeed.  You just need to ask for the help, every day, every hour, and sometimes even every minute.  Listen and follow and you will see a change.  
Just like in other areas, right?
Right
Okay, will try to do this.
That is all I ever ask.
Thank you.
Your Welcome.


After that conversation I felt more at peace, and less at odds and less lost.  I also decided that I need to immerse myself, once again more into God's word.  I wonder how long it will last, I wonder if I can keep it going this time.  Maybe if I try to stop doing it on my own and do it with Jesus help then I can actually succeed in changing and allowing God to change me.  Life is never as easy as we think it is.  With or without Jesus life is difficult.  We need others, we need people, we need help we can't do it all on our own.  Try as we might there is more to life than being a hermit or a loner or doing everything all on our own.  Enjoy life!

We all need someone to walk with through this life.  Mine is Jesus.

The Door - Part 2

 Part 2 "The Door" of a multiple part series titled "The Journey"

It is beautiful.  Green grass as far as the eye can see.  Trees and bushes of varying type; reds, greens, yellows, whites and many more.  Birds singing everywhere.  I can see deer in the distance and some bears too.  I can hear squirrels and chipmunks chattering.  It is so much for the senses.  I mean all the colors and the abundance of green.  I see that GOD loves green, since it is all over the place.  I see mountains too.  Full of trees and snow off in the distance.  It is so gorgeous words can not quite explain all that I see.  The river, the path.  Oh it is so much.

I know what you are thinking.  I never saw that when I opened my door.  Well each person see things that they want to see.  I see potential and I like to be optimistic.  I am sure that someone has seen the same opening unto opportunities that I am describing right now.  Remember each person is unique.  You each have a certain perspective that colors your view of different windows and doors that open before you.  Yes sometimes it is a window that you must climb through.  That takes a little bit more effort than opening a door.  I don't always have this optimistic point of view when I go through a new door or window.  Sometimes I can get very nervous and uncomfortable transitioning from place to another.  Sometimes those steps are difficult.

It is not uncommon to view life and circumstances as a bit of a barren field or even a desert.  Or how about an ocean with no boat to cross with.  Sometimes that is exactly what is before you.  A challenge.  Something you have not tried before with expectations you have not seen before.  That is all a part of living and changing and choosing.  Sometimes we choose the easy road sometimes we choose the more difficult road.  It is not that we can not make it through, it is just that some roads offer more challenges than others.

I have some friends and family, mostly family that watch my life and see where I am headed and what I am doing.  They have their own lives to live and I see that as a wonderful thing.  Each one of us has our own lives to live.  Individually and together with others.  Sometimes we take trips together with others and sometimes we take them apart from others.  That is so wonderful.  My trip, my journey through this life has always had someone along with me.  And at this point is where my best friend showed up.

While staring around at all the wonderful sights, I saw some trees that had branches that intermixed creating a canopy.  Under that canopy was a bench.  Near to the bench was a lazy winding river.  The river also had a bridge over it that a path ran to.  The path started from this door and led to the bridge and over to the other side where I lost the direction of the path as it went down a hill into a valley.  There were flowers in different areas, near the river, off into the fields, near the trees.  Here is the interesting point.  On the bench was sitting a man.  He looked old in regards to life, but in appearance he was young, I would say mid-thirties.  He had a welcome look on his face.  I can see him very clearly.  He is rugged looking like he has been around the world and back again.  He looks tired, but still full of energy.  He looks so alive.

He calls to me with his hand and his smile.  "Sit down", he says quietly.  Pointing to another bench near by.  "Welcome", he continues in a very gentle, friendly voice, "glad you could come.  I have been waiting for you to open that door."  I am a little taken aback by this.  "Do I know you?", I ask in response, instead of answering or moving.  "Yes, you do.  But I know you better."  He answered back.

I am still standing at the door.  Not sure what to do.  Do I take the invitation and step across the threshold or do I stay right where I am.  I choose to open the door.  I choose to be in that hallway and I made the decision to look at what is on the other side of the door.  I could have stayed right where I was.  Nothing made me move this far, except the fact that I did not like where I was.  So I have to make a decision.  I think I am going to sit down.  This is a little too much for me.

When I opened the door that led to the Army, I made that decision.  I stuck with that decision for 6 months.  It was definitely not my cup of tea.  I don't drink much tea either.  I went to college and opened that door and stepped in, I got two degrees and an ex-girlfriend (another big whoop).  I have opened lots of different doors and in some cases some windows, that I did not have a lot of choice on.  But that is the future this was the past.  This door was opened before all the rest.  This was a major door for me that I was not sure I wanted to walk through.  Okay I did want to walk through.  I just did not know what that would mean.  I kind of know now, but not then.

So I am stuck at the door.  Deciding what to do next.

The Door - Part 1

 Part 1 "The Door" of a multiple part series titled "The Journey"

I found out just the other day that I was not alone.  There are millions like me.  They are all over the world and they all don't really know what is going on.  I know this sounds weird but you are one of them too.  You are here and yet not there.  Or at least you are not always here either.  I find myself sometimes elsewhere and not exactly sure how I got there.  In the mean time I find myself also here sometimes and am not sure how I got here.  See things are not always what they seem or they are not what we expect them to be.

So one day I took a step.  It wasn't a very important step, it was just a step.  You know, now that I look back on it, it was a relatively important step, but at the time it was nothing.  It was an ordinary step.  A step followed by other steps not so different either.

I think you know that I am talking about.  Each day you take a step.  Sometimes in the right direction and sometimes a step or two backwards.  I know that some days I take some forward and other days I take some backwards.  But all in all I take a step each day or many sometimes.

Now some days I take important steps.  Steps to lose weight, change my behavior, change my attitude, love more, do my job better, live more, be more understanding, be more patient, and even to sleep more.  Okay the last one is a bit of a stretch for me.  I get about 6 - 7 hours of sleep a night during the work week and a few extra hours on the weekends.  But each step leads me closer to something.

I kind of know what that something is, but I also don't know what that something is.  You see I am on a journey.  You are too.  Each and everyone of us, on this planet is on a journey.  Each one of us is on a unique and individual journey.

My step started off in a hallway.  A nondescript hallway.  You know the kind.  It led to a door way and that was all.  I did not know what was on the other side of the door, but I knew I needed to go through.  Simply put, there was no other direction to go in.  It was either forward or backward.  I did not like going backward. I had already been there and did not care too much for that place.  I figured forward was the best direction.  It made me a bit nervous though.  I mean here I am in a hallway with one door.  A door I have not been through before and one that had no markings.  A door that looked about as nondescript as the hallway.

So what to do.  I can go forward, backward or sit right where I am at, here in a hallway, going nowhere.  I don't like being where I was.  I want a change, but what is the cost?  Where will it lead me?  I saw no other doors.  So here I am and I must decide what to do.  This hallway looks pretty boring.  But on the other hand it is safe, quiet and boring.  Not so sure I like boring either.  I am a doer, a mover.  I only sit still by choice or if I absolutely have to.  I still have no answers, and the door is still there and it is still quiet here.

I know what I want!  I want direction!  I want understanding!  I want to know what is on the other side of that door before I open it.  You know what I am talking about.  You want it to.  You want to spoil the surprise and take the risk out of it.  You want to remove the risk and the uncertainty and know what is going on before you make the decision.  That is the safe thing to do.  If you have all the cards you can make the best choice, but when you are lacking some of the cards then you can't make the best choice, you can only make the best choice, dependent upon the available information.

So what do you do?  Do you walk through the door?  Do you sit around in the hallway?  Do you go backwards to a place you don't want to be anymore?  I do not know what is on the other side of this door or your door for that matter.  We all have different doors.  Different journeys have different doors.  I may even wait around in the hallway for a little while, you know a day or two.  But I always try to move forward when I have the choice.  So, I go up to the door and listen.  Nothing.  I sniff around it.  Nothing.  I look for cracks of light around the edges.  Nothing.  I touch the door.  Warm, but not hot.  Almost inviting even.  I touch the knob and feel less warmth, but almost a comfortable temperature and I get a good feeling from it.

I guess I will turn the knob and open the door.  As I do there is a sound of air escaping, birds singing and I can breath in air that is fresh from a rain.  I open the door further and see a field and trees, mountains in the distance and I can hear a stream.  There is path in front of me and it leads somewhere, but to where?  I don't know.  I have just opened a door and am looking around, taking it all in.  Oh what colors, what beauty, what splendor.  It looks so inviting.  It looks so peaceful.  Do I walk through?  Do I step out upon the path and leave the safety of the hallway behind?

Welcome . . .

Peek-A-Boo Mouse

Not sure where this is headed or if I will continue it.  But Welcome to My Mind.  I hope that you stop by and see where it goes and if it goes nowhere, then I am sorry.  Then again nowhere is somewhere and I have a journey to take in this life and wish to extend myself and see where this journey takes me. 

So follow along and I hope that my journey inspires yours or at the very least helps you along with your own and gives you some food for thought.

Enjoy as I expand and see where this leads.  I am stretching out and trying my wings.

Let's hope I don't crash too.